The world game’s weird and wonderful players names: Part 2

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Football

February 8,2016

So we have come to the second installment in this series of the World Game’s weird and wonderful player names.

In the first installment, we discovered player names such as Mark de Man, Norman Conquest, Ralf Minge, Wolfgang Wolf and Creedence Clearwater Cuoto.

Without any further ado, here is another batch of imaginative, unique, colourful and extraordinary player names.

29. Phil and James Younghusband
British-Filipino footballers. The Younghusband brothers are approaching 30, still not married and quite frankly are not living up to their name. Both had youth careers at Chelsea, before going on to play for the Philippines at international level.

30. Johan De Kock
Dutch defender who appeared for FC Utrecht for the majority of his career. De Kock’s masculinity towards his opposition did award him 13 caps for the Oranje, which illustrates that he wasn’t a flop.

31. Mansour Boutabout
An Algerian footballer who has played 22 times at international level. At 37, Boutabout is still kicking on with French club side US Colomiers.

32. Dean Windass
English footballer of the 1990s and 2000s. Windass’ teams always had the advantage of running with the wind.

33. Orlando Trustfull
Dutch player who played in midfield and had a 13-year playing career which suggests that people believed in him.

34. Uwe Fuchs
German striker who went to Middlesbrough on the recommendation of former England player Tony Woodcock. In the beginning of his time at Riverside, he made a few errors, and many in the crowd yelled out ‘Uwe Fuchs’. But after that, he became a fan favourite through his goalscoring ability.

35. Hans-Jorg Butt
German goalkeeper. When he was at Portugese side Benfica, he was a temporary understudy to former Portugal number one, Quim.

36. Argelico Fucks
Current Internacional coach in Brazil’s Campeonato Serie A. As a player, he played centre back. With a surname like that, naturally it did cause a headline or two. An example, when he left Brazilian club Palmeiras, he transferred to Portuguse club Benfica. Eurosport.com had the headline “Fucks off to Benfica”.

37. Charlie Oatway
English-born midfielder who appeared during the 1990s and 2000s. On the surface, Oatway’s name may look normal. However, his real name is Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway.

So why did Oatway have an unusually long full name? His parents were massive Queens Park Rangers fans, and named him after the entire QPR squad of 1973, the year of Oatway’s birth. When his aunt heard of the proposed name, she replied, “he’d look a right Charlie”. And that’s the origins of Charlie Oatway’s name.

38. Stefan Kuntz
German striker who scored six goals on 25 occasions for Die Nationalmannschaft. Nowadays, Kuntz is the chairman of Kaiserslautern FC. Players that have played for Kaiserslautern under the reign of Kuntz, have included Florian Dick and Danny Fuchs.

39. Wayne Wanklyn
Wanklyn appeared in a few clubs, with Reading the most notable. Wanklyn enjoyed playing on special occasions such as Palm Sunday and evidently showed that he was a master of his own domain and in full control. And he was a good footballer as well.

40. Segar Bastard
England forward who played his one and only cap for his national team in 1880. For the majority of his career, Bastard appeared for Upton Park FC. During that period, many of Bastard’s contemporaries were both a player and a referee, and naturally, Bastard also officiated as a ref. Pretty certain that Segar was a bastard of a referee.

41. Dieter Stinka
German footballer who plied his trade in midfield for clubs like Eintracht Frankfurt. Legend has it that as a person Stinka had very poor hygiene. His teammates thought that Stinka smelt so bad, that when the club went out for a bite to eat, they used to hide tic-tacs in his food.

On another occasion, after a football game, Stinka smelt so bad that when he walked by the bathroom door the toilet flushed itself. But despite his smelly problem, Stinka has a good heart. In his spare time he does charity work for the homeless. However, one day, a homeless person actually gave him a bar of soap.

42. Dominique Dropsy
Recently departed French footballer who appeared on 17 occasions for Les Blues in the late 1970s and early ’80s. And what position did Dropsy play? Goalkeeper, of course.

43. Jazzi Barnum-Bobb
Cardiff City defender who is loaned out to Newport County. So far in his ten appearances for Newport, Barnum-Bobb has provided a bit of razzamatazz and a bit of jazz. He doesn’t miss a beat with his style of defending. He has a sister named Calypso Barnum-Bobb. Obviously a family that loves being in tune.

44. Lars Bender
Bayer Leverkusen defensive midfielder. A robotic-type personality who can be narky towards his teammates, especially if they don’t listen to him. He said this to one of his teammates: “I don’t tell you how to tell me what to do, so don’t tell me how to do what you tell me.”

45. Nortei Nortey
English-born defender of Ghanaian heritage. His name is actually pronounced ‘naughty naughty’. World football’s answer to rugby league’s Fuifui Moimoi.

46. Gareth Jellyman
Welsh defender who became known by a commentator’s quote. In one game, Jelleyman got on the wrong side of the referee. It prompted this call from England’s Sky Sports host Jeff Stelling: “Jelleyman of Mansfield Town has been sent off. Hope he doesn’t throw a wobbly.”

47. Razvan Rat
Romanian left-back who is well known for his ten-year career at Ukrainian club Shakhtar Donetsk. Rat had won six league titles with Shakhtar. Back at home, Rat won two league titles with Rapid Bucuresti.

Other honours include one Romanian Cup, four Ukrainian Cups and one UEFA Cup. He is also the captain of the Romanian national team. Rat is certainly the big cheese of Romanian football.

48. Ben-Hur Moreira Peres
Brazillian footballer who primarily plays centre back and defensive midfield. His career has been one long journeyman chariot ride where he has played for 12 clubs. I don’t think there are too many footballers that have a list of clubs bigger than Ben-Hur Moreira Peres.

49. John Lennon Silva Santos
Brazilian left back with Botafago, who is currently starting over on loan with Brazilian Serie B side Atletico Goianiense, where many Goianiense fans think that he is a bit of a love me do and is portrayed as a beautiful boy.

Lennon Silva Santos has a dream to get back to Botafago in Brazil’s Serie A domestic league. The last thing he wants is for any of his coaches to be playing mind games with him. He just wants to achieve something in career, like playing for Liverpool.

From where he is at the present time, it is a long and winding road to the Brazilian national side, but imagine if he made it. With a name like that there would be helter skelter media coverage.

50.Anil Koc
Represented Belgium in Under-15s and 16s, but he has since made the switch to Turkey and has now represented them in Under-17s and 19s. Some may think that’s a backwards entry move to top international football, considering how well Belgium are faring presently.

He plays for Eredivisie club FC Eindhoven, where so far the club supporters are delighted with the Turkish Under-19 representative.

51. Mahatma Gandhi Hererpio Mattos Pires
Brazilian midfielder who plays for Atletico Goianiense. Pires has only appeared on 11 occasions for the club over the last five years. If he doesn’t get a wriggle on in his career, he won’t be as famous as the leader of the Indian independence movement, but rather he will be just another Mahatma Cote… fade into obscurity.

52. Johnny Moustache
A footballer from Seychelles, who has provided some hairy moments for his team and opposition.

53. Ricky van Wolfswinkel
Netherlands striker who has already played twice for his national team. One of the bad habits of Wolfswinkel is that he always howls in protest whenever someone fouls him.

54. Prince Polley
Ghanaian-born player who played over 300 games with nine different clubs. Didn’t appear in any of the major football clubs, but you kind of hoped that he could afford a little red corvette. If he did purchase a luxury such as that, Polley may party like it’s 1999.

55. Marlon Brandao
Brazilian footballer who played as a forward in the 1980s and early ’90s. Brandao spent a productive three years at Portuguese club Boavista where he scored 27 goals in 95 appearances.

Spanish club Real Valladolid prised him away from Boavista with an offer he couldn’t refuse, but Brandao’s motto in life has always been “never confuse the size of your paycheque with the size of your talent”.

56. Michael Jackson
An English-born defender who played four years at Bury and as a defender and had the mentality of a smooth criminal.

As with many other footballers, it was only human nature that Jackson was eventually going to leave Bury and transfer to another club, like Preston North End.

Jackson was pretty consistent at Preston, although on odd occasions he would have a bad game. His excuse to his coach was “blame it on the boogie”.

After 251 games, Jackson left Preston and went on to other clubs like Tranmere and Blackpool, but Preston North End fans will always remember the time Michael Jackson played for them.

57. Andrey Arshavin
Russian-born striker who is best known for playing with Arsenal in the EPL. Throughout his time there, Arshavin did provide cutting edge in his general play and was razor sharp when he played up front. On his day, Arshavin would crack open the opposition defence with his goals.

58. Igor Shitov
A right back from Belarus. When his side leads 1-0, Shitov is always anxious for his side to eke out a number two.

59. Rod Fanni
French right back who has played five matches for his national team.

60. Mario Turdo
Turdo was a striker for many clubs right throughout his career. The Argentinian-born player wasn’t wasteful with his chances and scored a few goals. But when he wasn’t doing well, his teammates described him as a bit poo.

61. Mario Licka
Czech Republic midfielder who has donned his nation’s colours on three occasions. Though he has played for many clubs, Licka was at his absolute tasty best with his delicious passing when he appeared for French club Brest.

This concludes the two-part series of the world game’s weird and wonderful player names. Although, just likeThe Godfather, there may be a third installment down the track

But until then, have a nice ‘Charlie Oatway’ day.

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The world games weird and wonderful player names: Part 1

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Football

February 4, 2016

Watching football, every now and then you come across a player name that takes your breath away – sometimes you double take, and re-read that player’s name just to be sure you got it right.

After all, football is the global game, and there are some weird and wonderful names out there.

At the last World Cup, Brazil had Hulk and Oscar appearing in the famous Selecao shirt. And they barely scratch the surface.

1. Mark de Man
The Belgian midfielder has played five games for his country.

It’s an appropriate name for a footballer – patrolling in the midfield, he was always a marked man.

2. Danny Invincible
This Australian made his mark playing for British clubs Swindon Town and Kilmarnock. Often you’d barely notice him, like he was missing, but when he made an impact he was invincible.

3. Danger Fourpence
A Zimbabwean football defender who plays for Kiglon Bird FC. Some of his passes have landed on a six-pence, and he has formed a good combination with Limited Chikafa. However, his lack of consistency at times has somewhat shortchanged his team.

4. Leonid Slutsky
Current Russian coach. As a player, he was a goalkeeper, but was forced to retire at 19 after sustaining a knee injury – he fell out of a tree attempting to rescue a neighbour’s cat.

5. David Seaman
Arsenal and England goalkeeper, whom during his career looked like Mr Pringle. Seaman went off early in his movements with regards to a Ronaldinho cross, which led to the defining goal of the 2002 World Cup quarter-final loss to Brazil.

6. Fabian Assmann
The Argentine goalkeeper has given many strikers the bum steer with his great shot-stopping efforts. Now you have to ask yourself, which one would you prefer, Assmann or Seaman?

7. Danny Shittu
The Nigerian centre back played for Queens Park Rangers and 32 games for his country, which suggests that he was far from a crap player.

8. David Goodwillie
The Scottish striker plays for Ross County, on loan from Aberdeen. He hasn’t always been a Goodwillie, having been arrested for assaulting a man at a nightclub.

9. Two-Boys Gladstone Gumede
South African footballer who plays for the mighty Derby City Rovers in America, was the second boy in his family, which prompted his mother to name him Two-Boys.

10. Milan Fukal
Czech Republic defender who nearly played in England, but after receiving Fukal interest from Leeds and Manchester City, he was forced to sign with his home club FK Jablonec.

11. Creedance Clearwater Cuoto ( Paulista)
Brazilian footballer who was named after the American rock band Creedance Clearwater Revival, as his parents were massive fans of the band. Whether he was a fortunate son to be given that name is open to debate.

12.Paul Dickov
Scottish forward who formed a promising penetrative forward partnership with Marcus Bent at Leicester City in the 2003-04 EPL season.

13. Cerezo Fung a Wing
A Dutch defender who specialises in (surprise, surprise) the left wingback position. His ancestors came from China and his real last name is Fung.

Wouldn’t be at all surprising if Fung a Wing didn’t mind Chinese chicken wings.

14. Wolfgang Wolf
A German defender who played for Kaiserslautern and Stuttgarter Kickers. If the A-League was to expand in the future, let’s hope there is a team named Kickers. Or if an A-League club is not viable, kick them out and bring in the Kickers.

Getting back to the player concerned, Wolf also managed a variety of clubs, including VFL Wolfsburg.

15. Roberto Lopez Ufarte
Moroccoan born Spanish player of the 1970s and ’80s. The story doing the rounds is that before games, Ufarte would consume refried beans and onions. And when he was out on the pitch, he would release a smell so deadly it produced tear gas to the opposition players.

16. Kaka
Brazilian midfield magician. In Greek slang, Kaka is translated as human faeces. Imagine if he played in the Greek Super League. He may have copped s**t from the crowd.

17. Bernt Hass
Swiss right back defender who spent the majority of his time playing for Grasshopper Club Zurich. Hypothetically, if he enjoyed a hot curry dish, he would be grasshopping around with a Bernt Hass.

18. Yaya Banana
An appealing Cameroon footballer who plays centre back. When he was young, his mother left him out in the sun too long, hence his footballing ability shining through. Banana, who always likes to hang out in bunches, has the kind of talent you simply can’t buy in a supermarket. Enjoys listening to Split Enz and Bananarama.

19. Lazaros Christodoulopoulos
Greek attacking midfielder who plays for Italian club, Sampdoria. If the A-League wanted to recruit a big name player, then surely Christodoulopoulos would fit the bill.

20. Massimo Maccarone
Italian bald-headed Mark Bresciano look-a-like forward who appears for Empoli. Early in his career, he spent much of his time in the Italian Serie C and Serie B, and tangling on loans with various clubs. However, when Maccarone went to EPL side Middlesbrough, the penne was finally starting to drop on his career and he hasn’t looked over his shoulder since.

21. Christ Bongo
The drums were beating loudly early on his career that Bongo was going to play many games for his country, Congo, but that didn’t eventuate. However at club scene, Bongo was instrumental in saving his German club side Wilhelmshaven from relegation, scoring vital goals. The club supporters thanked Christ for that.

22. Norman Conquest
An English born Australian goalkeeper of the late 1940s and early ’50s. In 1951, Conquest was best known for being the Aussie goalkeeper in a match between Australia and an English FA representative side at the old Sydney Showgrounds, where Australia lost 17-0. Who would’ve thought that the English would do an invasion on Conquest’s career?

22. Mario Eggimann
Swiss defender. Is he the Walrus? Coo coo cachoo.

23. Have-a-Look Dube
Zimbabwian footballer who plays for Njube Sundowns. Just as well his family name didn’t begin with the letter L, then people would really have a look at have a look.

24. Bunny bell
Centre forward for Tranmere Rovers in the 1930s, scoring 102 goals in just 114 appearances. On Boxing Day 1935, he scored nine goals in Tranmere’s 13-4 defeat of Oldham Athletic. It was an English record at the time. Bunny certainly knew how to multiply his goals.

25. Danny Drinkwater
Social media went nuts when the Leicester City midfielder took time out from the game to drink water. Playing football can be thirsty work.

26. Ralf Minge
East German striker of the 1980s who quite often came into the box and scored.

27. Andre Muff
A striker who played twice for Switzerland. There were instances where Muff stuffed up by not snuffing away tuff chances. Muff may have bluffed the gaffer into thinking that he was a capable striker, but in reality, Muff just ran out of puff, and the opposition had the last luff.

28. Max Power
This Wigan Athletic midfielder is so influential, The Simpsons did an episode where Homer changes his name to Max Power so that he could gain positive attention.

Here is an exchange between Max (Homer) and Bart:

Homer: Kids there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn’t that the wrong way
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

Imagine if the 12th Man Billy Birmingham was a massive football fan and did a few CDs on these names. The mind boggles.

Anyway, the good news – or bad news, whichever way you view it – is there are more to come.

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